carolinafarmhousesucks’s New Letter

Hey Kelly,

Stop trying to pass off a very very slightly modified WordPress installation as your own creation. This website is the perfect example of how you all operate. A whole lot of hype, and absolutely no substance. Give me back my mother fucking money, you piece of shit crooks. You are the reason it's so difficult for actual working small business owners in this state to get ahead. In North Carolina it's a felony to accept funds in excess of $1000 when you have no intention of delivering an actual product. And it's most certainly a felony I'm actively pressing. You can ignore people as long as you like, but in the end you are only making it worse for yourself. When you take someone's money and say it's going to take 3 months till they actually see a product, that's a huge leap of faith for your customers. When you just stop responding (for a year), change your phone numbers, send all incoming calls directly to voicemail. it screams out to the rest of us that you are a fucking crook.

Keep on cheating, you cheating cheaters. You're making the world unbearable for the rest of us honest folk.

 

Love,

One of the many customers you've cheated

 

PS – For anyone considering placing an order from Carolina Farmhouse (carolinafarmhouse.com), DON'T! They will take your money and sink it into idiotic things like this stupid URL.

PPS – Kelly, get a real job, you're making the internet suck.

 

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Dial it back a little.

mother-in-law

Dear Mother-In-Law,

Please, stop being so embarrassing on Facebook.

A little harsh? Maybe. I know you're excited that modern technology makes it easy for you to stay in touch with your beloved daughter and her family. And I know that you just want us to know how much you love us. But in the fast-moving world of social media (or so I'm told), a little goes a long way.

For instance, you really don't have to comment on every status message any of us posts to ask when we're going to call or visit next. We do our best to stay in touch, and visit you in Winnepeg whenever we can. The kids love you and wouldn't settle for anything less. But I can't help but worry about them seeing all of your messages where you imply that we're neglectful and if we REALLY cared about you we would have told you beforehand that Brady had a soccer game, Carolyn had a tooth out, or I was up for a promotion. If you don't want to find out about news through Facebook… why are you on Facebook?

It's become a running joke inside my head to try to guess how you'll comment on any status message to bring the subject back around to you, how much you've done for us, and how terribly we neglect you. I think when it went from annoying to hilarious when I posted about my favorite NHL team signing a new player and you posted "I'm sure his mother is so proud of him… I hope he appreciates it!!!" Yes, with three exclamation points!

Whatever you do, I'll always be grateful to you for raising the wonderful woman I married. But I hope it's obvious by now that when I married her, I didn't intend to carry her off and never let her see you again. You don't have to worry about losing her or the kids, or chase around after us… especially in front of all my friends, co-workers and college classmates.You're a welcome part of our real, offline life…

even if I have to block you.

With love (no, really),

Your son-in-law

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Rock on, JR!

jr-martinez-karina-smirnoff

Dear JR Martinez,

It was great to see you on Dancing With The Stars on Monday night! I'd never heard of you before, so the show had to fill me in on your background as a war hero who'd survived terrible injuries to go on to a successful career in TV. Still, by the end of your first dance, my husband and I were both rooting for you to win the whole thing!

Your waltz with Karina was extremely impressive, graceful and expressive and technically pretty damn good for week one! But more than that, we found your story to be inspiring in a personal way.

You see, my husband, a Marine who served during the 1st Gulf War, also suffered from disfiguring facial injuries. It took many years and many surgeries to repair the damage. What I learned from him is that, no matter how enlightened and "un-shallow" people may try or pretend to be, the way you look really does matter in how people treat you. When you have severe facial injuries, people just treat you differently, even if they swear they don't. People stare rudely, and sometimes ask inappropriate questions. The doctor who did my husband's surgery had a policy of always recommending therapy to facial reconstruction patients — that's how psychologically difficult is is to be stuck with a face that you don't recognize in the mirror. It profoundly changes the way you relate to others and the way you view yourself.

So it was surprisingly uplifting to see how confident and carefree you were, right there on live TV, getting dressed to the nines and romancing sexy Karina, every inch the suave leading man. You joked around and got into character and made the whole thing seem so easy and natural, more so than a lot of other "stars" who've been on the show. I'm not surprised that someone with a military background could learn a dance so masterfully in six weeks — I've also learned from my husband about the rigorous discipline that military training instills in a person. But I'm beyond impressed that someone who's been through what you've been through can be so comfortable in his own skin, even in an unfamiliar environment, covered in glittery stage makeup, and trying to remember dance steps!

We're pulling for you to go all the way to the finals, JR, as I'm sure people all around the country are. Have fun dancing, and please keep being your amazing self!

~Sarah

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You don’t get a pass

kreayshawn-vmas

Dear Kreayshawn,

Look, you're very cute. You look kind of like a High School Musical castmember after a lost weekend. Let's face it, when faced with the choice to run into you or Li'l Wayne in a dark alley, most "mainstream Americans" would probably pick you over Weezy.

To be totally fair, you're also talented. You can definitely cut a stylish video, and put together a damn catchy song. And I don't know many artists who are as comfortable writing lyrics about Trapper Keepers as they are about illegal substances. Of the various members of the so-called White Girl Mob, I don't think there's any doubt that you're the one with a future in show business.

But you've seriously got to stop with the "bitches" and "hos" stuff. I know you think it's funny because you're this cute little college-aged girl and it's ironic and everything, but seriously, you don't get a pass because of that. It's kind of infuriating to hear a song by a really talented, promising young female artist, that's in theory a positive song about, say, female friends, and every other word is "whore." I mean, seriously. I know it's what you hear in the music you listen to, but you've shown that you're creative enough to come up with your own ideas. Familiarity isn't an excuse.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting old.

 

~

Kendra

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Kudos to WTC Memorial Architect Michael Arad

Architectural Rendering of the World Trade Center Memorial & Museum

Dear Michael Arad,

I just watched an online clip of TODAY’s Matt Lauer touring the new World Trade Center, and I learned about your Reflecting Absence fountains for the first time.  I love what you said during the interview, that the memorial is "about emptiness, but in emptiness it's full of meaning."  Kudos to you for a job really well done!

I remember hearing in the early days after 9/11 that there was a lot of debate and disagreement about what exactly to do for a memorial, but somehow I totally missed word of your design being selected.  Apparently you beat out more than 5,000 other ideas.  Now that's impressive. 

Today while Googling your name, I came across a lengthy 2006 New York Times article that detailed the infighting amongst all the people who have an interest in the memorial, and it sounds like things got pretty ugly.  So, I just thought you'd like to know that I really, really like your design, and I think it is the perfect way to honor the emptiness.  I'm glad you made it this far!  I look forward to visiting it myself in person sometime soon.  

Sincerely,

Kelly Utt-Grubb 

 

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Our prayers are with you

no-lgflag

To the people of Oslo,

I want to write to all of you to express my profound sympathy for the horrifying attacks that your city has experienced this week.

Of course, my heart especially goes out to those of you who lost loved ones in the two attacks, or who were yourselves injured or traumatized. I can't really imagine what it would be like to be a victim of such a shocking act of violence, and I wish you lots of time to recover and surround yourselves with love and comfort. Your fallen friends, family members, neighbors and colleagues will be remembered with love, and all over the world, people are praying for them to rest in peace.

But even to those of you who were not as directly affected, I want to send my prayers and wishes as well. I know that it's hard to describe the effects of just being in the same city as such an attack — I myself lived in Washington, DC at the time of the 9/11 attacks, and it was one of the most upsetting days of my life. News travels fast these days, but so does rumor, so you can spend hours not being sure of what's going on just a couple of miles away, not knowing if your loved ones are safe or not. Any sound you hear or unusual sight you see, you have to wonder if its part of the looming disaster you're hearing about through every source of information. It is literally like a nightmare, not just in the sense that it's terrible, but in that it's surreal and confusing and you can't be sure what's true.

I know that if you didn't lose someone personally, or suffer personal trauma, the impulse is to be strong and insist that you aren't really a victim, and concern should be focused on those who were more hurt than you. Of course, that's a noble impulse, and I respect it. But my sympathy and solidarity lies with all of the people of Oslo, with the city itself, a beautiful and cosmopolitan capital which will recover to be just as strong and proud as ever. I know that you are capable of overcoming this trauma, but I know that it won't be easy. For as long as it takes, my prayers are with you.

Love,

Sarah

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Hey, while you’re around…

Chris-Evans-in-Captain-America-costume

Dear Captain America,

Hey, I saw your movie on Friday! It was pretty great, I gotta say. You looked very heroic in 3-d, and everyone in the audience had a great time cheering for you and booing the bad guy, the creepy Hitler sound-alike Red Skull. You sure showed Thor who's boss, when it comes to beefcakey blond crimefighters, anyway.

But here's the thing — World War II was a long time ago. And IDK if you've noticed, but America kind of needs you now. We're deep in debt, with unemployment through the roof, and our politicians can't bring themselves to agree on even the simplest steps toward solving it. Our soldiers are still enduring harrowing situations in Afghanistan even now that Osama has been killed. And we're gearing up for another vicious, divisive presidential election in '12.

So Cap — can I call you Cap? — it's great to see you in theaters. But it would be even better to see you out here in the real world. Maybe you could sit down with a few members of Congress and threaten to smack them over the head with your shield of justice if they didn't work out a budget compromise. Or pre-empt Jersey Shore to go on national TV and let people know what the news should really be covering instead of the latest missing blonde girl. Hell, if you still haven't gotten over your decades-long beef with Red Skull, maybe you two could have a great big superpowered brawl in the middle of downtown Detroit, creating hundreds of jobs for contractors and construction workers to repair the damage.

I don't know, I don't have all the answers. But then, I'm not the guy running around in tights calling myself a superhero. All I know is that right now, our country really needs one.

I hope we'll be hearing from you soon.

Longtime fan,

Charlie

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We didn’t give up on you.

amy-winehouse

Dear Amy Winehouse,

I was really upset to hear of your death this weekend. You were so young, and so talented, and through all of the scandal and sordidness of your reputation, your songs always showed a really genuine, earthy wisdom. What can I say, I was a big fan.

And what made me even more upset was seeing all of the responses, online and among my friends, implying that what happened to you was somehow inevitable or that "nobody's surprised." As if having substance abuse problems is an automatic death sentence, because no drug user or addict could ever hope to recover. I hope the people who say those things don't have any friends or loved ones who are struggling with substance abuse — how terrible to feel the need to just write off anyone who's going through a bad time. And it makes me wonder if you, Amy, experienced the same thing from people around you; surely you heard what people said, and knew that some people in the media were counting on your "downward spiral" to fill in time between ads and maybe attract some morbid curiosity.

The whole time, I was hoping that you'd get it together, that you'd realize, or someone who loved you would show you, that the time to say no to recovery was in the past. That you'd realize that you could be yourself without drugs, that you'd stlll be an artist and a rebel and a unique character if you were sober. I admit that my motivations were selfish; I loved your album [i]Back to Black[/i] and really wanted to hear more of your music. And as someone who's dealt with some darkness in my own mind and my own family, I felt a connection to you, too. The tone in your voice as you sang "I cheated myself, like I knew I would" always rang so true to me; something I'd felt so many times in my own life.

I'm not here to question your choices or accuse you of "wasting" your talent. It seems like you were in a lot of pain, and maybe you wanted to die; you certainly didn't "owe" anyone another album if you didn't feel up to making one. But right up until I heard the news, I believed you had a chance, and I know a lot of others did, too — even if those weren't the voices you could hear. 

I hope you're at peace now.

Love,

Cindy

 

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Is it really the end?

Harry Potter photo

Dear Harry Potter,

Yes, I know you're not a real person. Everybody stop looking at me like that. But to tell the truth, you've been as much a part of my life — and the lives of a lot of others in my generation — as if you were.

We first "met" you in 1997, when Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was released. At the time, you were (fictionally) eleven years old, and I was twelve. My family got into the habit of reading the books together, taking turns reading out loud. We competed to see who could do the most obnoxious voices for characters like Argus Filch and Dolores Umbridge, and who could pronounce the names of magic spells (like 'Expelliarmus!' and 'Sectumsempra!') with the greatest authority. Somehow, we managed to sustain this habit as my twin brother and I progressed through high school and college — although we had to go our separate ways for the final book, which was released after I graduated with my BA and started working full-time. I wonder if that wasn't just an excuse, though — if the real reason was that we couldn't really manage to acknowledge that the series was ending.

Sometimes it's hard to admit what you lose by growing up.

I wouldn't say it was a deciding factor, but I was certainly pleased that the man I ended up marrying was a J.K. Rowling fan, too. Despite his normally Hermione-like work ethic, he'd admitted to taking days off work when each new book came out in order to read them as fast as possible. Once the tradition of the novels had to come to an end, there were still movies to anticipate, and from the time we started dating my husband and I made it a point to watch all of them together. We don't generally have much in common when it comes to the cinema — I like arty indie flicks, he likes action-adventure — so just as the series of books managed to bring my family together at a time when we were otherwise growing apart, the movies gave me and my husband a touchstone to remind us even when we have our difference, at heart we're both people who cried over Sirius and couldn't wait for Ron and Hermione to just kiss already.

I mean, it sounds silly when you say it like that. But I really think that there's something about the world of the series — the enchanting little details and sweeping themes of love and death — that gets past people's armor of cynicism and gives us an outlet to show that we can really care about something, even something silly. It can be hard to admit our feelings about real things, to be vulnerable when there's a risk involved, but letting ourselves get emotionally involved in a fantasy reminds us of how great a feeling that can be, too. A really good story reminds you that you want to care, and when we share it with our families and friends, it reminds us that they care just as much as we do.

And tonight, my husband, our best friend, and I have tickets to go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II – the last Harry Potter movie. After this, the franchise is going to be over, and a door will be closed that first opened when I was twelve years old. The mood leading up to the previous films among my friends and family has been one of anxious anticipation, but everyone I know has been pretty bummed about this one, wishing that it could somehow be put off. But of course, as they say, that's all she wrote, and it had to come to an end sometime.

I know there will be other stories that will mean as much to me. Eventually I'll probably have my own kids, and we'll pick up a book to read together that ends up meaning so much more than just something to do on a rainy summer afternoon. But in the meantime, Harry, you meant the world to me, and to the people I love. You defined an era of my life when magic was possible, when everything that mattered was passionately loving your friends and fighting to do what's right. We'll always leave space on the bookshelf — and the DVD shelf — for you, in case you ever feel like coming back.

Love,

Sarah

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Oh, Casey Anthony

Casey Anthony after verdict, July 5, 2011

Oh, Casey Anthony.

I haven't watched all of your trial– because of course not many of us have time to do so– but I think I've seen enough.  Something is terribly wrong with you going free after your sweet, innocent daughter's life was cut short under such suspicious circumstances.  You were supposed to nourish and protect her.  You were supposed to put her best interests above your own.  You were supposed to take care of her little spirit, born in a virtually helpless little body and entrusted to your care by a higher power.

Lying to police?  Not reporting your daughter missing for a month?  Panicking after she supposedly drowned in a swimming pool?  Partying days after she went missing/drowned?  There is a lot that just doesn't add up.

As you go on with your life and these summer days of 2011 become a distant memory, rest assured that karma will be at work to rectify this situation.  There is no acquittal from that universal law.  Some day, some time, some where, you will pay for what you've done.  And then, justice will have been served.

Rest in peace, sweet Caylee.

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